Bryn's Convicted Croutons

      Oh it has been quite a long few months. (11/26/25) I have actively forgotten about writing and its benefits, this is as to why I am back, so late. I finished majority of my classes with only 2 classes left on Dec. 1st. I got a job in the meantime a few months back being an organic superfood cafe job. It is quite productive yet relaxed mentally. However, over the course of a few weeks, my one of a kind coworkers decided I washed the dishes and swept. Odd for them to assume, so I gave them attitude and it seems their assumption has changed. During this time I have discovered a distinct and revengeful feeling of just letting life lead me. I developed a habit of virtually no expectations for anything or anybody. However that has changed over the course of getting to know somebody. I won't get in depth on this relationship and its innards, but I've discovered in myself that when I find any source of sudden or newfound stability I lose that sense of letting life lead me. ...

 I have on month left until a very important event in my life, officially moving out. (7/8/2025) Own apartment, cat, free space, art space, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, balcony. I'm ecstatic. I always believed that once I have my own space, my creative side would flourish most. Being alone puts me in a headspace of "If no one else can, I can". Time has definitely past. (11/12/2025) I'm currently in a mentally rigorous Biology of Animals lab on DNA. Every class I neglect with joy, finishing the work before the deadline but this class doesn't at all encourage me. It's some sort of cordage not to be seen that controls everybody. In my close relationships class beforehand from 1-1:50pm, we discussed power and its everyday influence in relationships. From being a boss to coworker to a baby to a parent, power is everything but nobody acknowledges it cordage to our everyday lives which is especially profound in this day in era. 

    I was thinking by a hot spring today (5/21/2025) wondering where my life, my emotions, and social status would be if I pursued and carried forth a relationship with a specific man. Wasn't of my interest at the time or now, but I'm  curious as to how different it would be in a different universe, matrix, whatever you call it. In another matrix my favorite color would be pink, I would bleach my hair blonde each month and expand my extracurriculars to sororities and parties. In another I maybe would have been a man. I'll never know. In another I would be married in another country, on the west coast with a man I met just a year beforehand. Just an odd thought but I know what's best for me is yet to come. I do what is best for me in every decision I make with myself and the people around me. Being selfish is bad in context of social situations but for yourself it is ideal in order to pursue the fullest in my life. Putting yourself first toward the future is vital, teari...

    The tug and pull epidemic. To lust over the rush of chasing a feeling, a daydreamed attraction you believe is happening on the other end. I've definitely seen this happen, felt it, and have observed what others have done to keep it in the loop. Does it make anyone happy to be in one these, a loop? No destination but always the same path. Path consisting of behavior, thoughts, and tendencies. I've memorized it already. Pull and tug, pull and tug. Now you are starting to guess what this is about. I'm still thinking about the true message of this however take it as you will. You tattle on yourself. It's obvious in what you do and if you think others don't know what you are doing think more than twice. Don't forget, those around you don't just have eyes but minds to think. With that, they live in the same realm called earth and media. Just like you. You aren't any different because of your own DNA but by your own choices you use to navigate social life w...

      Number twelve, my favorite number. I've become lost in the moment and started to actually live within it. Its quite nice however I miss daydreaming, appreciating the things around me so tastefully. Bonding with more and more acquaintances as of lately, I have started to realize the  gargantuan influence it has on me. I always say, birds of a feather flock together, however, what if the birds within the flock don't match at all. Only trait being birds, humans in this matter. Physically, somewhat, but mentally, its a red thread board. In a friend group there are so many outlets as to what and who you can hang out with and what you can gain in general. Wired as animals, we are more confident, prone to be outgoing in a herd of our own flock. Acceptance and love is an enormous factor in our lives that has stationed our individual habits we use to socialize on the daily. I've been wondering about the quotient of one's sexuality in relation to a parent or guardian's ...

         Meeting varieties of people each and every day I have explored many cultures and personalities. With my first college year coming to an end, looking back at the past, acknowledging my growth is at an all time high, almost sufficing my past time activities of creating art and daydreaming. Spreading my vines to a new wall, boundary is an exciting breach of territory but has is downsides of letting the past be and not hinging yourself to it. I've discovered I am a social but personal individual, however I occasionally suffice for people's antisocial behaviors. To initiate conversation and having the other person just answer the question and not rebound your question is a tiresome feeling. I'm tired of bringing up one topic at a time only for it to just be brushed off someone's shoulder and not be reciprocated. It's a conversation not an nag. This feeling is so distinct though so vague, leading you to wonder does this person even like or want to spend time ...