Casper #10

    Its becoming hard to sleep at night, especially with the second semester of my first year of college coming to an end... Pondering about the highlights or detriments of your day. You plan and look forward yet due to the past, overthinking becomes more and more prominent. Lovers, friends, even newly found acquaintances, the fear of ghosting appears. I discovered a new word just recently known as caspering, like Casper the pale cute ghost we've all watched when we were younger. Though, it isn't cute. The word means, when someone your dating or getting to know texts back and forth but has no intention of ever actually seeing you in the future or again if you have already met. I worry about others actions yet I know there is nothing for me to do to control it, that's life. I enjoy not being able to control others in everyday social life, it helps me be more adaptable and grow socially however in other cases I do want to control others, only to make my own life easier. New law enacted, actually respond to text messages and don't be a dick. That would be my first law in Bryn-land.  Sigmund Freud said aggressive tendencies live in all of us, though what I believe is that it isn't an excuse for anyone to act upon them. 

    I've started to discover that when meeting a potential lover, I tend to think of the future like any person having a crush would. Lover I use lightly, the word boyfriend is kind of annoying. Lover seems more romantic and sensual, something only to be said lightly and not often. However, the highlight of my day would be talking to that person which it really shouldn't be. I have lots of life to live. I look forward to tomorrow as it being the highlight of my day when multitask, frequently pondering about the future and how it may not work out. I'm stuck in middle. Stuck in the future I've not seen and leaving the present in the past. It's a sticky feeling like the sticker glue at the bottom of a shoe you try to desperately to rub off. Give yourself grace my mother says, but its hard to do so when you are the same person trying to give grace to yourself and also giving grace to others. There is only so much grace to go around I thought earlier today but then I realized. Grace and patience is what you choose to give, along with that comes responsibility of observing the situation as is... not the situation in the future but now, in the present. it's hope, its joy, but protecting my peace is more important that daydreaming at the end of the day. Although, I'm becoming more confident as the days go by especially with the addition of the school year coming to an end. After all a new slate is on the way. Joining new clubs and event gatherings, turning my webcam on to online peers, and complimenting a coffee shop staff member are just some of the few things I've done. I wonder if there are others I haven't met or complimented yet that I will connect with soon.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dicey #13

    The tug and pull epidemic. To lust over the rush of chasing a feeling, a daydreamed attraction you believe is happening on the other end. I've definitely seen this happen, felt it, and have observed what others have done to keep it in the loop. Does it make anyone happy to be in one these, a loop? No destination but always the same path. Path consisting of behavior, thoughts, and tendencies. I've memorized it already. Pull and tug, pull and tug. Now you are starting to guess what this is about. I'm still thinking about the true message of this however take it as you will. You tattle on yourself. It's obvious in what you do and if you think others don't know what you are doing think more than twice. Don't forget, those around you don't just have eyes but minds to think. With that, they live in the same realm called earth and media. Just like you. You aren't any different because of your own DNA but by your own choices you use to navigate social life w...
Read more

Initiate #11

         Meeting varieties of people each and every day I have explored many cultures and personalities. With my first college year coming to an end, looking back at the past, acknowledging my growth is at an all time high, almost sufficing my past time activities of creating art and daydreaming. Spreading my vines to a new wall, boundary is an exciting breach of territory but has is downsides of letting the past be and not hinging yourself to it. I've discovered I am a social but personal individual, however I occasionally suffice for people's antisocial behaviors. To initiate conversation and having the other person just answer the question and not rebound your question is a tiresome feeling. I'm tired of bringing up one topic at a time only for it to just be brushed off someone's shoulder and not be reciprocated. It's a conversation not an nag. This feeling is so distinct though so vague, leading you to wonder does this person even like or want to spend time ...
Read more

Assumptions #7

      The fear of connecting with others seem so prominent especially in todays era. Those run straight to the materialistic prospects of sex, money, and lust. Its not fair to most whom desire and long for a connection like me. I enjoy every relationship I encounter whether it be detrimental or not. It helps me grow as a person from time to time as I navigate each relationship through its variables. Sudden or predicted. Example would be a man I met many days ago whom I believed was attractive, although after studying together once or twice, I've noticed we weren't a good match. Our personalities clashed. My questions hit the drywall. Nothing stuck. The wall would wait for me to ask another question as if it were an interview, so I left it as it is 4/17/2025. *EDIT: Over the past day I’ve been thinking, though I wasn’t keen to him, I realized why I was attracted to him in the first place. Not just because of his looks, but his confidence. He made the move on...
Read more