Ruminate #6

    After quite some time being out and about, hearing those around me experience love and a date or two, I gave in. Downloaded an app and hoped for the best. Its awfully similar to grocery shopping which is disappointing to say. Disappointing in regards to viewing others for how they look and not always their interests. After 2 days, I matched with a boy named Mason. Year older than me and a fitness trainer. Similar hobbies so I went for it, date was set, 4/2/2025.Walking into the coffee shop, dreading the number three to hit on the clock as I sat, sitting pretty drinking a chai latte. "You are very pretty" was told to me by the lady at the register, then writing "You've got this!:)" on the side of my paper coffee cup as I told her about the occasion. Five minutes went by, wasn't worried, traffic was bad. Ten minutes went by, I texted my mother. Fifteen minutes went by, I left. I was stood up on the date for the first time. Checking the messages on the app, the chats between him and I were gone.  Its a very distinct feeling that is hard to explain due to the fact you have no idea why he did it. The variables are endless. "Can't wait :)" being the last message kept playing in my mind as the minutes went by. Are some men purposefully playing with women for their own enjoyment? Am I just saying this because of my past relationships and relating all men to those who have screwed me over? Yes, and I believe in it.
    Taking myself on a date was better, I didn't have to worry if my hair was out of place or if my bra strap was poking through my shirt. Hundred dollars later I found a few flattering shirts and new foods to try. Glad to know that being with myself is enjoyable. I feel awful for those who don't feel that way and seek others to fill that void of not being happy with one's self. Pleading and doing absolutely anything at times to just experience a glimpse of affection to fulfill the prophecy of being loved, when truly they can't love themselves. Those who joke, scream, insult I feel I understand as I was in a point in my life, specifically middle to the beginning of high school where loving yourself seemed impossible and  despised those who who did love themselves. Maybe that's the case with Mason? Never even meeting, I feel I understand him more than he thinks he does. 

    The light shines brighter as the day after I was invited to a study group by someone I didn't have my eye on at first, though when you get to know someone more. You ruminate about them more. Nothing completely solidified, its nice to enjoy imaging what could be possible, even if things don't go as planned. I'm in love with my future as Eilish put it. Over the course of my own life, my love life reminds me of an island. It is there, small and desolate. Not the most plentiful however the plans to create it into something larger are most prominent within my mind on most days. I don't want to call myself a hopeless romantic however, with  many songs and current trends in today's modern society, it is hard to not think about love, not lust. Lust grazes my mind but never sticks as the consequences of depending and expecting the best of someone so quickly are damaging. Using my past experiences and relationships as an example of that. Meeting people now, I've become more intune and calm with myself. Being nervous, playing with my hands and cuticles as I talk to a new potential friend or lover was the norm just a few months ago. Growing as a person socially is essential to everyday life as your future has so much to offer, it just depends on how you take those opportunities and use them towards it. Its hard to grasp the need for getting to truly know someone when everyone just wants to know one thing. One, mutual exchange in which emotions are not always involved. That's what gets me. That's what makes me weary. Even with friendships, that "mutual exchange" could be being driven around for free, taken to games for free, crashing at a friend's place for free. All for free, for free, for free. Why do people take advantage of those wanting connection when all they do is take advantage and use kind gestures as free samples toward enriching their future? May I have a free sample? Sure! Yet you never buy the product. This behavior is interesting, rooted in all of us to try something new but it differs from person to person on what they are willing to do to do that. I'm a bit behind on a few assignments however Ill get them done in the up and coming days 4/5/2025. More than assignments and exceeding are grades are on my mind. Much, much more in on my mind.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dicey #13

    The tug and pull epidemic. To lust over the rush of chasing a feeling, a daydreamed attraction you believe is happening on the other end. I've definitely seen this happen, felt it, and have observed what others have done to keep it in the loop. Does it make anyone happy to be in one these, a loop? No destination but always the same path. Path consisting of behavior, thoughts, and tendencies. I've memorized it already. Pull and tug, pull and tug. Now you are starting to guess what this is about. I'm still thinking about the true message of this however take it as you will. You tattle on yourself. It's obvious in what you do and if you think others don't know what you are doing think more than twice. Don't forget, those around you don't just have eyes but minds to think. With that, they live in the same realm called earth and media. Just like you. You aren't any different because of your own DNA but by your own choices you use to navigate social life w...
Read more

Initiate #11

         Meeting varieties of people each and every day I have explored many cultures and personalities. With my first college year coming to an end, looking back at the past, acknowledging my growth is at an all time high, almost sufficing my past time activities of creating art and daydreaming. Spreading my vines to a new wall, boundary is an exciting breach of territory but has is downsides of letting the past be and not hinging yourself to it. I've discovered I am a social but personal individual, however I occasionally suffice for people's antisocial behaviors. To initiate conversation and having the other person just answer the question and not rebound your question is a tiresome feeling. I'm tired of bringing up one topic at a time only for it to just be brushed off someone's shoulder and not be reciprocated. It's a conversation not an nag. This feeling is so distinct though so vague, leading you to wonder does this person even like or want to spend time ...
Read more

Assumptions #7

      The fear of connecting with others seem so prominent especially in todays era. Those run straight to the materialistic prospects of sex, money, and lust. Its not fair to most whom desire and long for a connection like me. I enjoy every relationship I encounter whether it be detrimental or not. It helps me grow as a person from time to time as I navigate each relationship through its variables. Sudden or predicted. Example would be a man I met many days ago whom I believed was attractive, although after studying together once or twice, I've noticed we weren't a good match. Our personalities clashed. My questions hit the drywall. Nothing stuck. The wall would wait for me to ask another question as if it were an interview, so I left it as it is 4/17/2025. *EDIT: Over the past day I’ve been thinking, though I wasn’t keen to him, I realized why I was attracted to him in the first place. Not just because of his looks, but his confidence. He made the move on...
Read more